Bad personal hygiene

No, not poor personal hygiene. BAD personal hygiene. Evil, people – shake – their – pointer – fingers – at – you – and – tell – you – that – you’re – going – to – cause – yourself – some – sort – of – irreversible – physical – harm – if – you – continue – doing it – personal hygiene. Bad personal hygiene. I think everyone has their guilty pleasure in this realm.

You can actually harm your teeth by brushing too fiercely and even more so with a stiff bristled brush. Dentists agree that a soft bristled brush is the standard. But some people just want to feel like they are doing hard, plaque removing, work on their teeth in order to make up for the guilt they feel about drinking 7 cups of coffee each day.

People know that they should cut their toenails straight across, cutting corners can lead to unsightly and painful ingrown toenails but still, some of the more agressive toe groomers are not satisfied with straight across cut nails. They want that pointy corner to be gone forever! They hack and chop and file and clip until their toenail is mangled beyond recongnition. They willingly risk the perils of ingrown toenails for their obsession.

Others, like my darling husband, love themselves some naughty ear cleaning satisfaction. My husband feels a sense of serenity when he pulls from his ear an enormous plug of orangish yellowish wax. Better still is after a long day’s work when there is a fair amount of dirt in there as well. I daresay he is not the only one that ignores the blazing warnings across the Q-Tip box. His excuse is that he does not penetrate the ear deeply.

He experiences a pronounced disappointment when the Q-tip emerges clean. Conversely, he is enraptured, having to turn it about between his thumb and middle finger examining it with squinted eye, surveying his harvest, when it appears golden and better yet, chunky! Though it occurs daily he never ceases to relish in this moment. If only personal hygiene could be this pleasurable for everyone. If only we flossed our teeth with such delectation!

How clean and fresh we would all smell if we loved all personal hygiene the way my husband savors his morning Q-tip ritual.

He loves it so much that he has declared himself the personal hygiene guru of the home. I think his heart actually palpitates ever so slightly when he catches, out the corner of his eye, the blackish yellowish wax that my oldest son’s ears so copiously produce. It doesn’t matter if we are sitting and eating dinner or watching t.v. together or reading a book, if he sees wax pouring out of someone’s ear he will make known his plans to clear it out after dinner or if he sees it at a moment not including the consumption of food he will tell the person with the offending auditory canals to go and fetch the Q-tips. They willingly lean over his lap to have their ears swabbed and made squeaky clean with the “Ear Wack Qs” as they call them.

I’m sure any health professionals reading this right now are either readying their fingers for an all out assault against ear swabbers like my husband or are utilizing a great deal of self-restraint in holding back their emotions. He does not put the Q-tip into the ear canals of my children. But one of them in particular produces so much wax that if we did not ever sweep it out when we saw it coming he would be able to make a Yankee candle within a couple of weeks.

I really don’t understand his need to have such well groomed ears and to ensure that his children do too but I’m not going to worry myself about it I suppose. There are worse things a father could do. Right?

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7 Comments

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  1. OH….your husband and I could get along just fine. My little girl runs screaming when I say, “It’s time to clean out your ears!” She has the most wax I have EVER seen. Which is why it is absolutely, positively enjoyable. It never comes back clean.

  2. Queen Of My Domain May 9, 2007 — 8:00 am

    Oh wow how gross! Truly Nan I feel for you. 🙂

  3. Um, a little warning please? Come on Nan. I was eating lunch here!

  4. ugh…This is not simply a human phenomenon. Try cleaning out large, pointed-straight-up, doggie ears that fill with dust and ear wax, combining to make an oozy goo.It takes about 30 Q-tips to clean out my dog’s ears. Maybe I should give the job to your husband. I hear one doggie ear is equivalent to seven human ears. He could gain lots of satisfaction from it.

  5. Funny. I admit to the bad teeth brushing practices. I like to feel that they are scrubbed good and clean.. my dentist objects. 😦

  6. sara - The Estrogen Files May 10, 2007 — 9:10 am

    Eeewwww… the ear wax thing with the kid? I have one of those, too. Thankfully she’s grown out of it a bit.

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