Why, oh why, do these lotion and armpit deodorant people all think that we women want the smell of our faces and armpits to remind us of diaper changing time? WHY? I am always trying new face lotions. But if they smell like baby powder and evoke images of tiny (or not so tiny as the case may be for mothers of toddlers) bottoms, well… I’m sorry, I’m not going to rub that stuff on my face because… just no. No thank you. Do I need a grand explanation?
You may disagree with me. Perhaps the smell of baby powder evokes the sweetest of memories of the best most sleep deprived time of your life when every part of you throbbed with the pains and pleasures of motherhood and when you took delight in every one of the 9 or 10 diaper changes you would perform in any given 24 hour period, each one punctuated with an aromatic ploof of Johnson’s & Johnson’s Baby Powder. I’d be lying if I told you that some of those weren’t indeed the sweetest times… I’d also be lying if I told you that I personally used that much baby powder on my childrens’ hinies. Because I didn’t. Even then I found the smell to be displeasing. But like it or not, the smell, for me, is associated with Tiny Hinies. And tiny hinies are just not the images I want being olfactorily conjured up whenever I walk into a room or perform my morning or nightly ablusions.
I have discovered that Nivea is highly guilty of this reprehensible “woman must smell like a baby’s bottom” fallacy. I just cannot ever buy Nivea again. My Grandma always used Ponds. I’d try that but internet searches reveal that Ponds too is guilty of making women smell like tiny hinies. I am sorry, any product that screams “diaper changing time” is going to be ever and always off of my list of products to buy again and shall henceforth be tossed aside like so many used Luvs or Huggies.
Having said all that, one does have to moisturize. Especially if one lives in a parched northern wilderness where moisture does not thrive well in a porous containment system like the human bod, but rather is sucked from already dessicated dermises into the thirsty firmament. So I seek a superior facial moisturizing cream that doesn’t cost more than say, the whole family eating at a fast food dining establishment. Right now I am using Garniér but it clearly has too high a water content. I need to find the perfect balance of moisture and decent scent and price. Is there such a thing?
So lately I’ve started wearing this crazy deodorant whose scent, while not of tiny hinies, is of a questionable nature as well. It’s Secret Chai Vanilla Latté. You may ask why exactly I don’t want my pits smelling like freshly powdered baby bottoms but I don’t quite as much mind them smelling like hot overpriced specialty beverages topped with whipped cream (Lord help me, I think I need to hit Starbucks right now.) And for that, my friends, I have no acceptable answer. It makes very little sense I’m quite sure. But the fact is, Chai Vanilla Lattés evoke happy thoughts of relaxation and sweet warm yummy goodness… not that I want you thinking that if you are ever in the vicinity of my armpits which I really hope you never have the occasion to be. Suffice it to say, baby diapers do not evoke such nice thoughts. There’s the rub. I once read of someone who was so disturbed with her armpits smelling like pudding from said café style deodorant that she immediately went back to using the much less culinary men’s deodorant she had been using. But I just can’t do that. I might not want to smell like a baby bottom and I might find it odd to have café scented pits but I don’t want to smell like a man either. Ideally, I just want to not smell bad but some of the alternatives aren’t much better.